Posts Tagged ‘Bad Movies’

Finally, Your Own Screenplay for Manos: The Hands of Fate!

Thursday, June 26th, 2014

Q: Have you ever wanted to own the screenplay to Manos: The Hands of Fate?

A: No, it’s one of the worst movies of all–

Q: Of course you have! Now, for the low price of $8, that script can be yours!

A: $8 seems a little steep for–

Q: Put on your own staged plays of Manos! Invite the neighbors!

A: They’d stone me.

Q: But that’s not all! For $20, you can get the scripts for Plan 9 From Outer Space and Santa Claus Conquers the Martians!

A: Yuck! It’s like a trifecta of suck! I’d rather–

Q: Of course you want them all! So get your money in to the Kickstarter campaign today!

(Hat tip: SF Signal.)

Related: “How Plan 9 From Outer Space earned, and lost, the title of worst movie of all time”.

Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda

Sunday, June 22nd, 2014

The auteurs of The Asylum are Roger Cormen is at it again. Are you ready for Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda?

Coming August 2nd to (of course) The SyFy Channel.

At this point I’m thinking I ought to file a trademark for my Slothacconda idea…

2015 To Be Filled With Blockbuster Franchise Sequels

Monday, May 5th, 2014

There’s lots of news about staggeringly successful, critically acclaimed movie franchise having new installments out in 2015.

  • Star Wars Episode VII will come out December 18, 2015.
  • Avengers: Age of Ultron comes out May 1, 2015.
  • Sharknado 3
  • What, you’re saying the words “staggeringly successful,” “critically acclaimed” and “franchise” don’t apply to Sharknado?

    All I have to say about that is: I had a great deal more fun watching Sharknado than I did Attack of the Clones.

    In other Sharknado-related news, The Asylum is crowd-funding a scene in Sharknado 2: The Second One. Personally, I think $50,000 for a single scene is more than a bit high. Give The Asylum’s previous track record, with that much money I would expect them to make an entire film…

    My Interview With The Writer of Mega Shark Vs. Mecha Shark

    Friday, January 3rd, 2014

    Knowing of my keen interest in The Asylum’s work in the shark genre in general, and the forthcoming Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark in specific, SF Signal’s John DeNardo arranged for me to interview the writer of that film, Jose Prendes.

    Now the interview has been published. Not only did Prendes write Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark, he also wrote the novel (I kid you not) Sharcano.

    For some unfathomable reason, Amazon doesn’t seem to have it for pre-prder yet, but you can find more information from the publisher here. There’s also a Facebook page.

    Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark

    Friday, December 6th, 2013

    Thanks to the keen eye of SF Signal’s John DeNardo, we have word that the auteurs at The Asylum or offering their homage to Terror of MechaGodzilla: Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark.

    It looks like pretty much everything we’ve come to expect from The Asylum…

    Sharknado 2: The Sharknadoing

    Wednesday, July 17th, 2013

    Our short national nightmare is finally over! (Or, alternately, continues.)

    There will be a sequel to Sharknado.

    Set in New York City.

    Since John DeNardo at SF Signal has dubbed me “The Official Sharknado News Source,” I feel that I would be remiss in not mentioning it.

    I’m going to go ahead and predict right now that it will feature one scene with an enraged Alec Baldwin pummeling a shark to death with his fists.

    Oh, they also want Johnny Depp to star in it. Good luck with that…

    Interview with the Writer of Sharknado

    Thursday, July 11th, 2013

    Three posts in two days about Sharknado? Is this ultra-crappy SyFy monster movie really worth that much attention?

    Yes. Yes it is.

    But more importantly, this interview with the writer of Sharknado is all kinds of awesome.

    Especially this:

    “As anyone would expect, the tornadoes suck up thousands of sharks. This all just seems like common sense to me.”

    And this:

    “If you were a shark and you found yourself flying through the air, wouldn’t you keep biting? I think you’d be pretty pissed about being plucked out of your nice familiar ocean where you’re king of the predators, and you’d probably take it out on whoever got in your way. Honestly, I don’t understand why people are so perplexed by this concept. The logic is undeniable.”

    Try to work “the logic is undeniable” into your next conversation.

    Oh, the writer, Thunder Levin (his real name) is also responsible for Atlantic Rim. Really, the dogged dedication behind their work has to elevate the crew at The Asylum from “shameless Z-grade movie ripoff artists” to “Sublime ongoing performance art project”…

    Inside The Asylum

    Thursday, July 11th, 2013

    It takes a very special kind of company to make a film like Sharknado. And The Asylum is that company.

    Some tidbits:

    “At Syfy, Lando follows a strict formula for its movies of the week: an eight-act plot structure, laced with kills every seven minutes, plus a plot recap disguised as dialogue an hour into the feature to brief viewers who are just tuning in.”

    On its blog, the company instructs fans to add its titles to their Netflix queues to gin up the perception of “public demand” for the movie, and they couldn’t care less whether that demand translates into actual viewings. “This isn’t about trying to get you to watch our movie,” they wrote. “This is about gaming the system. This is about taking a stand. Against math.”

    Sharknado Premieres Tomorrow (Plus: Longer Trailer)

    Wednesday, July 10th, 2013

    Alas, lacking cable, I won’t be able to watch it in all its glory. But I do hope the ratings top the final episode of American Idol.

    Here’s a longer trailer:

    It really does look like everything I long for in a movie called Sharknado.

    On San Antonio: Some Clarifications

    Sunday, May 5th, 2013

    Many of you reading this blog will be attending LoneStarCon 3, the San Antonio Worldcon this year.

    Many of you reading this blog have also watched the SyFy Channel’s film Chupacabra Vs. The Alamo.

    I know it may come as a shock to some, given the painstaking technical accuracy evident in other SyFy films like Mansquito and Arachaquake, but Chupacabra Vs. The Alamo does, in fact, take certain liberties. As such, to avoid disappointment among those visiting San Antonio for the first time, and given that it’s Cinco de Mayo, which plays an important role in the film, I want to offer up some clarifications on errors made in the film.

  • The Mexican border is southwest of San Antonio, not southeast. Southeast is the Gulf of Mexico.
  • There are no green mountains near San Antonio. Unlike, say, Vancouver.
  • Many people in Texas ride motorcycles, but they do so on roads, not against badly-composited bluescreens.
  • DEA Agents in Texas do not typically ride motorcycles with unsecured shotguns.
  • DEA Agents generally drive to crime scenes in cars, not motorcycles.
  • Especially not riding on the back of another DEA agent’s motorcycle.
  • People do not typically need to wear jackets in San Antonio in May. Unlike, say, Vancouver. (Though this year may be an exception…)
  • Animals the size of a Scottish Terrier are not typically capable of dragging away 200 pound police officers in full SWAT gear.
  • As the seventh largest city in the United States, San Antonio has a large, modern police force. They would not need a random assortment of DEA agents and rogue gang members to take out a few hundred wild dogs.
  • While many San Antonians are bilingual in both English and Spanish, seldom do they pepper their English with the very most common Spanish words, as though to say “Look, ese, I speak Spanish!”
  • Police interrogation rooms do not generally look like small business conference rooms.
  • Most Hispanic gang members in San Antonio don’t look vaguely Asian, and don’t speak with a slight Brooklyn accent.
  • It is very doubtful that repeating long rifles can be found in display cases at the Alamo, as the Spencer Repeating Rifle was not invented until 1860.
  • Even if they were in said display cases, it is very unlikely that they would be stored with live ammunition, ready to be used by anyone who broke open the case.
  • Even if the gunpowder hadn’t gone bad after almost two centuries.
  • There is no basement in the Alamo. (A point that I think has already been definitively established.)
  • There is no secret escape tunnel underneath the Alamo. If there was, I’m pretty sure 177 years of urban infrastructure development would have found it.
  • Especially if it was wide enough for 10 people to walk abreast.
  • Especially if it lead to a giant metal hatch in a parking lot near the Alamo. (Or, more specifically, a stage in front of a bad bluescreen projection of a parking lot near the Alamo.)
  • Chupacabras or not, DEA agent or not, if you blow up the Alamo, expect to spend a lot of time in jail.
  • As the 7th largest city in the U.S., San Antonio also has a large, modern Fire Department, so if you did blow up the Alamo, it would not still be giving off a plume of digital smoke well into the next day.
  • I hope this has cleared up any confusion anyone might have about San Antonio or the Alamo. Happy con-going!