Posts Tagged ‘Bad Movies’

My Interview With The Writer of Mega Shark Vs. Mecha Shark

Friday, January 3rd, 2014

Knowing of my keen interest in The Asylum’s work in the shark genre in general, and the forthcoming Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark in specific, SF Signal’s John DeNardo arranged for me to interview the writer of that film, Jose Prendes.

Now the interview has been published. Not only did Prendes write Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark, he also wrote the novel (I kid you not) Sharcano.

For some unfathomable reason, Amazon doesn’t seem to have it for pre-prder yet, but you can find more information from the publisher here. There’s also a Facebook page.

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark

Friday, December 6th, 2013

Thanks to the keen eye of SF Signal’s John DeNardo, we have word that the auteurs at The Asylum or offering their homage to Terror of MechaGodzilla: Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark.

It looks like pretty much everything we’ve come to expect from The Asylum…

Sharknado 2: The Sharknadoing

Wednesday, July 17th, 2013

Our short national nightmare is finally over! (Or, alternately, continues.)

There will be a sequel to Sharknado.

Set in New York City.

Since John DeNardo at SF Signal has dubbed me “The Official Sharknado News Source,” I feel that I would be remiss in not mentioning it.

I’m going to go ahead and predict right now that it will feature one scene with an enraged Alec Baldwin pummeling a shark to death with his fists.

Oh, they also want Johnny Depp to star in it. Good luck with that…

Interview with the Writer of Sharknado

Thursday, July 11th, 2013

Three posts in two days about Sharknado? Is this ultra-crappy SyFy monster movie really worth that much attention?

Yes. Yes it is.

But more importantly, this interview with the writer of Sharknado is all kinds of awesome.

Especially this:

“As anyone would expect, the tornadoes suck up thousands of sharks. This all just seems like common sense to me.”

And this:

“If you were a shark and you found yourself flying through the air, wouldn’t you keep biting? I think you’d be pretty pissed about being plucked out of your nice familiar ocean where you’re king of the predators, and you’d probably take it out on whoever got in your way. Honestly, I don’t understand why people are so perplexed by this concept. The logic is undeniable.”

Try to work “the logic is undeniable” into your next conversation.

Oh, the writer, Thunder Levin (his real name) is also responsible for Atlantic Rim. Really, the dogged dedication behind their work has to elevate the crew at The Asylum from “shameless Z-grade movie ripoff artists” to “Sublime ongoing performance art project”…

Inside The Asylum

Thursday, July 11th, 2013

It takes a very special kind of company to make a film like Sharknado. And The Asylum is that company.

Some tidbits:

“At Syfy, Lando follows a strict formula for its movies of the week: an eight-act plot structure, laced with kills every seven minutes, plus a plot recap disguised as dialogue an hour into the feature to brief viewers who are just tuning in.”

On its blog, the company instructs fans to add its titles to their Netflix queues to gin up the perception of “public demand” for the movie, and they couldn’t care less whether that demand translates into actual viewings. “This isn’t about trying to get you to watch our movie,” they wrote. “This is about gaming the system. This is about taking a stand. Against math.”

Sharknado Premieres Tomorrow (Plus: Longer Trailer)

Wednesday, July 10th, 2013

Alas, lacking cable, I won’t be able to watch it in all its glory. But I do hope the ratings top the final episode of American Idol.

Here’s a longer trailer:

It really does look like everything I long for in a movie called Sharknado.

On San Antonio: Some Clarifications

Sunday, May 5th, 2013

Many of you reading this blog will be attending LoneStarCon 3, the San Antonio Worldcon this year.

Many of you reading this blog have also watched the SyFy Channel’s film Chupacabra Vs. The Alamo.

I know it may come as a shock to some, given the painstaking technical accuracy evident in other SyFy films like Mansquito and Arachaquake, but Chupacabra Vs. The Alamo does, in fact, take certain liberties. As such, to avoid disappointment among those visiting San Antonio for the first time, and given that it’s Cinco de Mayo, which plays an important role in the film, I want to offer up some clarifications on errors made in the film.

  • The Mexican border is southwest of San Antonio, not southeast. Southeast is the Gulf of Mexico.
  • There are no green mountains near San Antonio. Unlike, say, Vancouver.
  • Many people in Texas ride motorcycles, but they do so on roads, not against badly-composited bluescreens.
  • DEA Agents in Texas do not typically ride motorcycles with unsecured shotguns.
  • DEA Agents generally drive to crime scenes in cars, not motorcycles.
  • Especially not riding on the back of another DEA agent’s motorcycle.
  • People do not typically need to wear jackets in San Antonio in May. Unlike, say, Vancouver. (Though this year may be an exception…)
  • Animals the size of a Scottish Terrier are not typically capable of dragging away 200 pound police officers in full SWAT gear.
  • As the seventh largest city in the United States, San Antonio has a large, modern police force. They would not need a random assortment of DEA agents and rogue gang members to take out a few hundred wild dogs.
  • While many San Antonians are bilingual in both English and Spanish, seldom do they pepper their English with the very most common Spanish words, as though to say “Look, ese, I speak Spanish!”
  • Police interrogation rooms do not generally look like small business conference rooms.
  • Most Hispanic gang members in San Antonio don’t look vaguely Asian, and don’t speak with a slight Brooklyn accent.
  • It is very doubtful that repeating long rifles can be found in display cases at the Alamo, as the Spencer Repeating Rifle was not invented until 1860.
  • Even if they were in said display cases, it is very unlikely that they would be stored with live ammunition, ready to be used by anyone who broke open the case.
  • Even if the gunpowder hadn’t gone bad after almost two centuries.
  • There is no basement in the Alamo. (A point that I think has already been definitively established.)
  • There is no secret escape tunnel underneath the Alamo. If there was, I’m pretty sure 177 years of urban infrastructure development would have found it.
  • Especially if it was wide enough for 10 people to walk abreast.
  • Especially if it lead to a giant metal hatch in a parking lot near the Alamo. (Or, more specifically, a stage in front of a bad bluescreen projection of a parking lot near the Alamo.)
  • Chupacabras or not, DEA agent or not, if you blow up the Alamo, expect to spend a lot of time in jail.
  • As the 7th largest city in the U.S., San Antonio also has a large, modern Fire Department, so if you did blow up the Alamo, it would not still be giving off a plume of digital smoke well into the next day.
  • I hope this has cleared up any confusion anyone might have about San Antonio or the Alamo. Happy con-going!

    Big Ass Spider

    Wednesday, February 13th, 2013

    Here’s a trailer for the forthcoming film Big Ass Spider:

    It’s every bit as good as you would expect a trailer for a film called Big Ass Spider to be.

    I’m pretty sure the intro at the beginning of the clip was timed just right to make the bikini volleyball scene show up as the default YouTube image…

    “Movie 43 is the Citizen Kane of awful.”

    Monday, January 28th, 2013

    So sayeth Roger Ebert about the latest movie from Peter Farrelly. When Ebert says a movie is worse than Freddy Got Fingered, you know that all lower bounds of the barrel have been breached.

    More nuggets:

    Farrelly was going for a 21st century version of “The Groove Tube” and “Kentucky Fried Movie,” two very funny, very raunchy and very influential sketch-comedy flicks of the mid-1970s.

    The only thing “Movie 43″ has in common with those movies is it’s in color.

    Also:

    Academy Award winner Halle Berry no longer can cite “Catwoman” as the low point of her career.

    Ebert gave it Zero Stars. Yet, for some reason, his readers have given it four. Go figure.

    David Hasselhoff IS Nick Fury

    Sunday, May 6th, 2012

    Oh. My. God.

    I’m finishing Howard and I’s review of The Avengers, and I stumbled across this: a TV movie starring The Hoff as Nick Fury.

    How bad is? IMDB gives it a 3.5. And the trailer looks even worse:

    How bad is it? Hasslehoff may be the least sucky part of the film.

    Yeah. That bad.

    And speaking of things involving Hasslehoff that are painful to view—

    No! You wouldn’t!

    Yes. I would.