Posts Tagged ‘Bad Movies’

Roger Ebert Wasn’t Wild About Thor Either

Tuesday, May 24th, 2011

Thor is failure as a movie, but a success as marketing.”

It’s comforting to know that Howard and I weren’t the only ones disappointed in it.

Un Court Essai Sur Les Exemples Récents Du Cinéma Loup-Garou

Monday, February 28th, 2011

Last year when Howard Waldrop and I reviewed The Wolfman (executive summary: don’t waste your time), I offered up a list of other werewolf films that would be more worthy of viewing. Two of those, Ginger Snaps and Kibakichi, were films I hadn’t seen when I wrote that. I’ve now managed to see both, and can offer up judgment: Ginger Snaps is well worth seeing, but Kibakichi isn’t.

Ginger Snaps tells the story of the two Fitzgerald sisters, one (Ginger) hot, goth-y and redheaded, the other (Brigitte) dark and mousy, who go through their rebellious outsider phase by snapping artfully staged photographs of the other’s fake suicides, smoking, fighting with the stuck-up girls in field hockey, and generally behaving like teenage girls. Unfortunately for them, mutilated dogs have been showing up all around their neighborhood, and a late night encounter with what’s been killing them in a park leaves Ginger with wounds that heal entirely too quickly, newly grown patches of hair, a sudden taste for fresh blood, and the beginnings of a tail. And did I mention that the werewolf attack falls on the same day she get her first period?

Om Nom Nom

This is a very solid film with good acting, a clever script and firm direction. It can be enjoyed either as a straight werewolf film, or an extended (and unsettling) metaphor on the wrenching changes puberty inflicts upon the female body. (The film garnered a lot of comparisons with Carrie when it first came out.) Of werewolf films of recent memory, I would have to count this second only to Dog Soldiers.

Also, Katharine Isabelle looks really, really good just before she goes all four-legged.

On the other hand, Kibakichi is one of those films where all the best scenes are in the trailer. You would think that a Japanese film with werewolves, demons, samurai and Gatling guns would rock, but unfortunately Kibakichi has the quality of an exploitation film and the pace of a lush period drama, which is exactly the opposite of what you should be aiming for. The special effects range from the passable (they’ve mastered the art of copious geysers of blood) to the laughable, including one scene where the ghosts (demons? demon ghosts?) rip apart a gambler and its obvious that the attacking creatures are puppets on strings. (And at one point the titular protagonist is menaced by what look like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, except not nearly as convincing.) Plus the werewolf transformation scenes are sub-par. While not unremittingly awful, even gorehounds and Asian horror fans are likely to find it disappointing. It also has possibly the worst dubbing I’ve ever seen in a film.

Dwight’s thoughts on Kibakichi here.

Howard Waldrop’s Review of the Decade of SF/F/H Film Now Up

Friday, February 25th, 2011

He took a little different approach than mine, just covering things we reviewed.

My Top SF/F/H Films of the Noughties Piece is Now Up

Friday, February 25th, 2011

Over at Locus Online.

Howard’s piece should go up pretty soon as well.

MegaPython vs. Gateroid

Saturday, January 15th, 2011

So you find yourself thinking: I want to watch Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus, but I’m afraid it may be too intellectually challenging to jump into right away. Is there perchance a stupider movie I can watch first?

Come January 20, the answer to your question will be: Yes, yes there is. Behold the wonder that is MegaPython vs. Gateroid.

Still not convinced? Hey, it stars Debbie Gibson AND Tiffany! (Granted, 15 years too late, but still…) And if that’s not enough, I have two words for you: cake wrestling.

It’s good to see the folks at The Asylum and the SyFy Channel maintaining the reputation they’ve worked so hard to earn…

(Hat tip: Bill Crider.)

I Question Whether “Stripping for Jesus” Actually Exists

Sunday, January 2nd, 2011

I was discussing the movie career of Karen Black, probably most famous for Airport ’75 and Trilogy of Terror, when I came across the IMDB entry for Stripping for Jesus.

If you know anything about the viewing habits of me and my bad-movie-loving friends, you would think that a film called Stripping for Jesus would have, at the very least, been known to us. After all, we have seen Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. (We said to ourselves “With a title like that, how could they go wrong?” Sadly, we found out.) Especially since it ranks an abysmal 2.0 from users. And was theoretically written by Anne Heche (AKA “no, the attractive one”). So it seems like the sort of thing I would have stumbled over. (“Ouch!”)

As no reviews or footage of this film can be found anywhere on the internet, I must sadly assume that it does not exist. Unless someone can prove otherwise.

(By the way, despite my not having seen her in anything since Capricorn One, Karen Black has actually been in no less than 188 titles. Suck it Family Guy.)

From the Bottom Shelf of the Direct-to-DVD Bin I Stab At Thee

Wednesday, December 8th, 2010

And speaking of cheesy movies about oceanic killing machines, they’ve made another film version of Moby Dick, only instead of a 19th century whaling ship, it’s a 21st century nuclear sub. Barry Bostwick plays Ahab. (Brad’s had a pretty good career in Hollywood, all things considered.) A trailer indicates it’s every bit as good as you would expect:

Wow, that may actually eclipse Pinocchio in Outer Space as the worst adaptation of Moby Dick ever.

Can Moby Dick vs. Crocosaurus be far behind?

(Hat tip: Belmont Club.)

MST3K Gamera Films Coming to DVD

Saturday, December 4th, 2010

According to this, a box set of all the MST3K Gamera films is in the works.

In celebration, here’s the Gamera Theme Song:

A Cavalcade of Craptacular Shark Cinema

Friday, December 3rd, 2010

News that Venice is flooding (no, really), reminded me of something I sent around to all my friends before I put this blog up: The trailer for the totally cheestacular Sharks in Venice:

A movie that combines a bad Jaws rip-off with a bad Da Vinci Code/National Treasure ripoff, bad CGI, bad music, a bad Baldwin brother, and a bad Johansson sister. (Evidently Neil Connery was unavailable.) It checks it at an abysmal 3.0 on the IMDB; you almost have to try to get a ranking that low.

It actually looks worse than Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus:

Much less Sharktopus:

Got to admit that’s some groovy theme music, daddy-o. And before I started writing this blog post, I didn’t even know that Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus existed:

These are great times for bad shark movie aficionados…

Zardoz as 8-Bit Video Game

Wednesday, November 17th, 2010

Though I’ve been running this blog for a while, I only recently installed a page-hit tracking module. One of the biggest surprises is what the most consistently popular posts are: My piece on Denver airport conspiracy theories and…my review of Zardoz.

Conspiracy theories always exert a certain fascination, even if (or especially if) you don’t believe in them. But I must admit to being baffled as why a review of a bizarre science fiction film more than 35 years old continues to draw such attention.

I went looking for reasons for this inexplicable interest…and didn’t find any (beyond the usual fascination with cinematic train wrecks). But I did chance across this rendering of Zardoz as the opening of an 8-bit video game:

To bad he only did the opening. Just think of all the other Zardoz video game sequences you could have:

  • Shooting the Outlanders
  • Sneaking into the giant stone head
  • Arousing the Apathetics
  • Avoid the Renegades (every touch “ages” you one life)
  • Shooting the Hippies
  • The boss fight against crystal computer, ala the mothership in Phoenix or the flagship in GORF.

Good times, good times.

In any case, I’m sure such a game would be a lot more fun than the E.T. video game or Mamma Can I Mow the Lawn.

(Hat tip: io9.)