Contest Judge: You have to write your story out by hand.
Writers: Pass.
No way could I enter this contest; their attempts to judge my entry would no doubt come out something like this:
(Hat tip: Michael Walsh’s Facebook feed. The “Generation Eloi” tag comes from the afterword to Steven R. Boyett’s Elegey Beach, which I hope to have a review of sometime in the near future.)
Proceedings of the Biannual Symposium on The Study of Things That Blow Up Real Good, including a brief history of pyrotechnics, notes toward preliminary aesthetics, comparative analysis of the pyrotechnics included in this year’s symposium, and a summation.
Layman’s Abstract
Fireworks are fun, so we blew lots of stuff up. Here’s a report on the stuff we blew up.
Test Material Used in the Symposium
See Exhibit A for a visual breakdown of test material.
Exhibit A: Stuff To Blow Up
Something something something: A History of Pyrotechnic Appeal
Ancient China, blah blah blah (boilerplate paragraph omitted due to researcher boredom)
Preliminary Groundwork for a “Bang for Buck” Scale of Firework Aesthetics
The research team preferred impressive aerial displays to loud noises, so we looled for things that explode high overhead rather than big firecrackers or strings of smaller ones.
Data Gathered at the Symposium: A Breakdown
“Helicopter” type spinners (the ones with the green plastic helicopter-type blades): At six for just a few dollars, this is probably the best bang for the buck item on the list. Getting any spinners smaller then this and you’re likely to be disappointed.
Paper airplane type spinners: These were less effective than the helicopter-type spinners; they didn’t go as high, and were more likely to be duds.
“Suppositories With Fan Blades” (well, that’s what they look like, anyway): Testing inconclusive. In the dark we didn’t get the orientation on any of them right. We’ll try to retest come New Year’s Eve.
Blue Lagoon: Fountain type firework. A decent bang for buck item.
Finned Rockets: New this year, and much more effective than the stick-mounted kind we had bought in previous years.
Branding Iron: 20 shot aerial barrage type. This offers a good display, and a decent bang for the buck.
Stars and Stripes: 20 shot aerial barrage type, pretty much identical with Branding Iron. Buy whichever is cheaper.
Warrior in Fire: A long multi-shot array. This is definitely an excellent “bang for buck” item, and next time we’ll probably pick up two or three.
Crackling Colored Palms: This used to be one of my favorites, and I used it as the climatic piece
Gamma Glow: A big, 16-shot. climatic “crowd pleaser” finale piece. It was pretty impressive, but maybe not $45 impressive. Come New Years, I think I’m going to try a different finale piece.
Important Safety Tip
Don’t try lighting Thermite without your welder’s gloves.
Summation: How To Buy Fireworks
A few pointers:
In Texas, Fireworks are only available from June 24-July 4, and from December 20-January 1, and only in municipalities that don’t ban them.
It’s always best to buy early rather than late; usually they’ll put things on sale near the beginning of the sales period, and come July 4th or New Year’s Eve, they’re pretty picked over.
If possible, buy from one of the dedicated fireworks buildings (such as the ones near Elgin and Bastrop) rather than the portable stands, as the selection is much more extensive.
Do pick up some sparklers; they’re a lot more effective than punks or lights and lighting fuses, especially in high winds. (And, in our experience, there are always high winds.)
Don’t buy one of the assortment packs; they’re mostly low-yield crap.
Half-Price Books was having their usual coupon sale, so I picked up their set of H. G. Wells’ The World of William Clissold. Published by Ernest Benn (UK) 1926, it’s three volumes, one of 198 copies signed by Wells on the title page, green boards and vellum spines, with gold gilt on front board, spine, and top book edge, some leaves still unopened, two of the three volumes in paper slipcases (the slipcase for volume 2, alas, was missing). Originally priced at $500, marked down to $350, minus 50% off with the coupon. It’s not one of the key Wells SF works I really want, but I thought a signed Wells (and in particular, a set for which you know the signature is genuine; see L. W. Currey’s Science Fiction and Fantasy Authors: A Bibliography of First Printings of Their Fiction, 1978, page 527), was a nice thing to have.
Below are some pics. Click to embiggen.
H. G. Wells: The World of Williams Cissold, three volume set of the first edition, signed by Wells
It’s been a while since I listed additions to my library, so here’s an update for my fellow bookoholics that includes everything since the weekend of my Archer City trip. All are new and unread Fine first edition hardbacks in Fine dust jackets, unless otherwise noted. Now that I’ve finished staining and varnishing a new bookshelf, and moving books around to accommodate it, I hope to do a more detailed photographic post on my library, since a few people complained that they couldn’t read the spine titles in the last set of pictures.
Books that I have available for sale through Lame Excuse Books are marked LEB (though some of those titles won’t appear on the stock page until after I send out my book catalog later this month), while other current publications contain Amazon links.
Baker, Kage. Not Less Than Gods. Subterranean Press, 2010. One of 474 signed, numbered copies.
Barron, Neil, ed. What Fantastic Fiction Do I Read Next? A Reader’s Guide to Recent Fantasy, Horror and Science Fiction. Gale Research, 1998. Non-fiction. Issued without dj.
Bear, Elizabeth. Bone and Jewel Creatures. Subterranean Press, 2010.
Bond, Nelson. Mr. Mergenthwirker’s Lobblies and Other Fantastic Tales. Coward-McCann, 1946. NF in a VG, price-clipped dj. Inscribed by Bond.
Campbell, Ramsey. Creatures of the Pool. PS Publishing, 2009. LEB
Chabon, Michael. The Final Solution. Fourth Estate, 2004. One of an undetermined number of copies signed on a special limitation page issued by the publisher.
Datlow, Ellen and Teri Windling, editors. The Year’s Best Fantasy and Horror: Thirteenth Annual Collection. St. Martins, 2000. Inscribed to me by Datlow.
Datlow, Ellen, Gavin Grant and Kelly Link, editors. The Year’s Best Fantasy and Horror 2007: Twentieth Annual Collection. St. Martins, 2007. Inscribed to me by Datlow.
Datlow, Ellen, Gavin Grant and Kelly Link, editors. The Year’s Best Fantasy and Horror 2008: Twenty-First Annual Collection. St. Martins, 2008. Inscribed to me by Datlow.
Del Rey, Lester. Mortals and Monsters. Ballantine Books, 1965. PBO, Fine-.
(Dick, Philip K.) Williams, Paul. Only Apparently Real: The Life of Philip K. Dick. Arbor House, 1986. Non-fiction. Fine copy in wraps, as issued (no hardback).
Domenici, Joe. Bringing Back the Dead. Thomas Dunn, 2008. Inscribed to me by the author.
Duncan, Andy. Night Cache. PS Publishing, 2009. LEB
Erikson, Steven. Crack’d Pot Trail. PS Publishing, 2009. LEB
Fernandez-Florez, W[encesiao]. The Seven Pillars. Macmillan and Co., Ltd. (UK), 1934. First edition hardback, a NF/G+ copy.
Gaiman, Neil. The Graveyard Book. HarperCollins, 2008. Fine in a Fine- dust jacket.
Harrison, Harry. Bill, the Galactic Hero. Doubleday, 1965. Fine in a Near Fine, slightly spine-darkened dust jacket.
Hill, Joe. Horns. PS Publishing, 2010. First UK and first limited edition hardback, one of 200 copies signed by both the author and artist Vincent Chong in traycase with three extra chapters not in the trade edition, extra art not in any other edition, etc. a Fine copy in a Fine dust jacket and traycase. Notably thicker than the signed, slipcased edition. LEB
Hill, Joe. Horns. PS Publishing, 2010. First UK and first limited edition hardback, one of 500 copies signed, slipcased copies. LEB
Houdini, Harry. The Right Way to Do Wrong: An Expose of Successful Criminals. Easton Press, no date (probably around 2000); Reprint of the 1906 wraps original done as part of the Treasures of the Library of Congress series. Hardback, no dust jacket, as issued. Non-fiction.
Howard, Robert E. Cthulhu: The Mythos and Kindred Horrors. Baen, 1987. PBO, Fine (replaces a VG copy). LEB
Koontz, Dean R./ Bulmer, Kenneth. The Fall of the Dream Machine/The Star Venturers. Ace, 1969. PBO, NF.
Lansdale, Joe R. The Best of Joe R. Lansdale. Tachyon, 2009. TPO. LEB
Lansdale, Joe R. and Keith, editor. Son of Retro Pulp Tales. Subterranean Press, 2010. One of 200 signed, numbered copies, signed by all the contributors. LEB
Leiber, Fritz. Selected Stories. Night Shade Books, 2010. LEB
Ligotti, Thomas. Songs of a Dead Dreamer. Subterranean Press, 2010. Hardback. First edition thus.
(Lovecraft, H. P.) Joshi, S. T. Black Wings: Tales of Lovecraftian Horror. PS Publishing, 2010. LEB
Mitford, Bertram. The Sign of the Spider. Methuen & Co., 1896. VG- copy, no dust jacket (may not have been issued with one).
Partridge, Norman. Lesser Demons. Subterranean Press, 2010. First edition hardback, one of 200 copies with bonus chapbook.Red Rover, Red Rover.
Shepard, Lucius. The Tanborn Scale. Subterranean Press, 2010.
Simmons, Dan. Black Hills. Reagan Arthur Books, 2010. Inscribed to me by Simmons.
Tymn Marshall B. Horror Literature A Core Collection and Reference Guide. R. R. Bowker, 1981. Non-fiction. No DJ, as issued.
Vance, Jack. Hard Luck Diggings. Subterranean Press, 2010. LEB
VanderMeer, Jeff. Finch: The Rebel Samizdat Edition. Underlands Press, 2009. One of 350 signed, numbered copies with a Murder By Death CD laid in, in wax-signet sealed (!) Mylar bag. LEB
Wellman, Manly Wade. Giants from Eternity. Avalon, 1959. A Fine copy in a Near Fine dust jacket.
Wilson, F. Paul. The Last Rakosh. Overlook Connection Press, 2008. One of 500 signed/numbered copies.
Zelazny, Roger. The Dream Master. Ace, 1966. PBO, Fine. LEB
Zelazny, Roger. Four for Tomorrow. Ace, 1967. PBO, Fine.
Zelazny, Roger. Hymn to the Sun: An Imitation, DNA Publications, 1996. Poetry chapbook, a Fine- copy with some rubbing to price code on rear cover.
Zelazny, Roger. This Immortal. Ace, 1964. PBO, Fine. LEB
He doesn’t go to New York, which means those draft picks Daryl Morey stole from the Knicks for the ghost of TMac (semi-protected rights to switch next year, and their semi-protected 2012 pick outright) look to remain mid-level lottery picks.
As far as James himself is concerned, I won’t say that the outraged vitriol is surprising (it is, after all, American professional sports in the 21st century, but I do think it’s misplaced. James made a professional business decision of where he could best win championships, and Cleveland lost out on entirely understandable and indeed totally rational criteria. Of course, if sports fans were rational, they wouldn’t develop an emotional attachment to athletically talented millionaires who just happen to be plying their trade in their city of choice in any particular year. (Cue Jerry Seinfeld’s rooting for laundry bit.) Some may think my attitude on James hypocritical given my loathing of Bud Adams, but there’s one key difference: to the best of my knowledge, James never received tens of millions of dollars in direct taxpayer subsidies before leaving town.
